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Domestic violence victims in Nigeria say, ‘Never Again’

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By Amadin Uyi

For Grace Joseph Udoh, sitting behind her sewing machine at the Kurudu area of Abuja is a relief, though the hours move slowly, her time is well spent meeting the demands of her customers and when she is not at her shop, she is doing school work

All these brought for her a sense of relief and contentment especially for someone with her experience who has gone through an ordeal that sometimes the thought brings tears to her eyes

She is now independent, she has gone back to school and hoping she can graduate in the next one year, she also can cater for her kids and best of all, the years of her being battered by her spouse are over.

In a country where spousal battering means nothing to many, as cultural and religious institutions have not done enough to offer more protection to victims who are mostly women, many women have not lived to tell their story but Grace’s story is different, she is alive and has moved on, she is better off as a single mother having escaped with her life many years ago

Like many others, Grace did not experience battering when she met her spouse in 1997, it all started after he travelled to the village for a wedding, and when he came back, he returned a changed person

Religion this time caused the rift between both of them, Grace a professing Christian while her Husband is a professing Muslim, despite this both had lived peacefully till he came up with the idea that Grace needed to convert to his religion, this was ten years after they first met
“It started 2007 when he travelled, everything was moving smoothly and very fine, he travelled and when he came back, everything about him changed”

She said wife battering is an experience she will not even wish her worst enemy.
“It affects one psychologically, mentally, physically, emotionally, all round and it makes one loose his or her self esteem”

Even when her Husband said he was going to marry another wife from his own religion, Grace did not oppose it but that did not bring the much needed peace to the marriage, he still insisted that her presence would obstruct the relationship with his new wife so she needed to leave.
At any instance he would resort to violence

There was nowhere and no one Grace could turn to as she did not grow up with friends so had no social circle she could tell her experience and her father whom she grew up with had disowned her after she had realized she was pregnant out of wedlock saying she brought shame to the family

She had to relocate to his house where at that point, he was a saving grace to her
“He was like my savior as there was no one to turn to”

Grace still looks back with regret as the society did not render any support at that time

From one kid to another, three Children were born to the union, first two boys and a girl such that when the situation changed, it was not easy to walk out of the union

That she said strengthened her resolve to endure whatever abuse she was facing as she always told herself, it would be worse off for the kids if she abandons the union leaving her children for a strange woman
“I was always telling myself that if I was in the marriage and my kids were suffering, what would happen to them if I leave the marriage in the hands of a stranger and a strange woman for that matter”

So she made a resolution to bear whatever she sees or is dished to her, however, she had to have a rethink the day she almost lost her life
“He woke me up in the middle of the night holding a knife and told me that I had to make a decision or prepare to die, that it was either I leave the marriage or he would kill me, fortunately my landlord who was entering the house that night heard heated argument and loud voices and barged into the room unexpectedly, that was what saved me that night as I saw he was determined to kill me, maybe by now I would have been a dead person”

After that night Grace told herself she had to make a move as it was clear, the society was not offering her any protection

Reflecting on her ordeal, it’s been over ten years since she made a decision to quit the union, looking back, Grace thinks she is much better than how she was in those dark days
She said she was once a drop out from school but she has taken back those years and made the best of her life, she returned to school, learned a trade which she uses to sponsor herself and is an undergraduate at the verge of graduating from a higher institution

Life has given her much more than she bargained for as she is not the vulnerable and weak woman anymore
“God has been helping me to take care of the kids, they are moving on well, I thank God I am much better”
“I have upgraded even beyond what I could think of or imagine, so I am much better and I am getting more better”

Grace maintained that she will never endure her experience again and will not wish such for her worst enemy, she also urged women in abusive relationships to quit and save their lives saying for whatever reason they think, it is not worth it
“What I will tell women is that they should move on, and after they have moved on, they should improve on themselves, they should upgrade from their present level to a better person, the sky is just a starting point for them”

Though Graces’ experience is one out of many in Nigeria, many other women have not lived to tell their own stories

Government passed the Violence Against Persons Prohibition act also known as the VAPP act into law in 2015 to offer more protection to victims of sexual and Gender based violence
The act recommends sanctions to persons that engage in any form of violence including sexual and domestic violence and within the last eight years since it was passed at the federal level, about thirty-four out of thirty six states have domesticated the act giving it powers to be enforced within their states

Aderonke Bello, the Executive Director of the FAME foundation thinks the VAPP act has given victims especially women, an opportunity to seek redress when abused
“Speak out, tell your story, share it, the VAPP act gives you an opportunity to seek justice”

While the case between Grace and her husband was instigated by religious differences, Bello believes no excuse is tenable to perpetrate domestic violence, she also insists that society must stop stigmatizing the victims

Irene Davis (Not her real name) another victim residing at the Lugbe area of Abuja, a mother of three and a teacher, says that her experience left her traumatized, took away her self-esteem and her self-dignity
“It affected everything about me, it affected my emotional and social lifestyle”

She said she would be slapped and beaten at every opportunity by her spouse who she met in 2009 and he would perpetrate the act even in the public

She even recounted one of her experiences when he asked her to leave, he took her belongings out of the house including her original credentials and set everything on fire in the presence of neigbours

She added that the abuse started when they were dating and she always hoped he would change but things got worse after their marriage

At every slight opportunity she would receive slaps and beatings like a child but yet she endured hoping things would get better, when his temper cools he would start crying and begging her for forgiveness that he didn’t want to lose her and could not live his life without her

She described her Husband who she is now separated from as having serious anger issues, one who would go the extreme to cause her pains whenever he felt she had upset him

Gradually Irene began to live a reclusive life as she no longer had friends and could not go to her family

Irene who met her Husband when she was 21, got married to him the next year at the age of 22

She received very little support from the Church as they would tell her to keep praying for him to change despite the violence she was experiencing
“Be the strong African woman, be the virtuous woman, keep praying and of course I kept praying, I don’t think there is any kind of prayer I have not prayed, some will tell you to pray with salt, some will tell you to write his name and put salt and pray, some will tell you to do midnight prayer, some will tell you to pray naked, I did all those but as a matter of fact, the more I prayed, the worse he became”

With three kids in the marriage, Irene admits she had to endure everything including the emotional and physical violence for several reasons
“I was scared, if I leave this man where am I going to, my family back home are not even financially buoyant to take care of me, I had five younger ones who are still looking up to me so where would I go”

She also blamed societal pressure for not wanting to leave the abusive relationship
“I was scared of what people will say, what will the society say, what will my friends say, they will see me as a failure who could not keep a home, they will look down on me, they will say all sorts to me so I endured the beating, the abuse and maltreatment”

However it was not long before she realized that she was breaking up and her life was in danger after almost ten years in the marriage
“I made up my mind in the year 2020, that was the year I said enough is enough, the maltreatment became worse, he didn’t care anymore in the house, he doesn’t touch me and it was like he literally told me when I am tired I would leave the house on my own”
“it was very early in the morning, I was still in my nighties, he started dragging me in the presence of the kids, pulling my hair, trying to push me out of the house, “so many things flashed through my mind, what if I fall and hit my head on the pavement, my kids were crying, that was the sight that got to me and I said no Irene, you can’t continue like this, would I want my sons to grow up doing the same things to their wives? I started hatching my plans of leaving”

With her mind made up, Irene finally left the marriage, looking back, she thinks she made the right decision though she regrets that society did not do more to protect her
She is however delighted how things have turned out in the last three years
“Since I left the marriage, it’s not been easy but I think I am coping well, now I have my sanity, I live my life, I am happy at all times, I am not expecting any quarrel, I am not expecting any beating, nobody is waiting for me to do anything, nobody is going to see fault in almost everything I do”
“I am happier, I am very free, I have time to think, I have finished my degree program, I am planning to go for my masters, I have started my business, I am doing some courses online, my mindset has changed, I have been reading books, I have met people, I have a whole network of people which I wouldn’t have met if I was with him because I was literally quote and unquote under bondage”

Irene claimed she would never have gone through her ordeal if she was more exposed and enlightened, she said that now, she sees her real beauty and even after three kids, she still receives advances from men, what she thought would never happen, though she is not ready for any relationship, she wants to be focused and achieve her dreams
“Every time I go out, people just want to talk with me, they don’t even believe I was once married, they don’t believe I even have a kid talk more of three, my first two kids, twins, are almost teenagers now, I still get lots of advances, lots of toasters, I am honestly not ready for it, I just want to build up my life, pick up the pieces of my life and focus on my career”

Aderonke Bello from the Fame foundation thinks Irene made the right decision and urges society to stop stigmatizing victims like Irene

Another Expert, Yinka Shokunbi from the Network of Reproductive Health Journalists maintains that both Grace and Irene made the right decision by leaving the environment where violence was being perpetrated
“Anyone caught up in any form of domestic violence should seek refuge first, run out of the situation so that you do not die, once you go out of the space then you can seek help and support”

Though Yinka expressed worry over the lack of support from religious and cultural institutions, she thinks they need reorientation
“They need continuous training, they need continuous information to be passed unto them”

Edosa Oviawe, a program Manager with the Global rights while blaming a power relationship for domestic violence thinks it is caused by the perpetrator’s sense of power, control, and entitlement
“Some people may be quick to blame it on loss of self-control, drug or alcohol use, but these factors only amplify the root cause which is the perpetrator’s feeling of having more power and control over the victim”

Edosa maintains that unless a perpetrator have been proven to be mentally incapable of reasoning, or having permanent mental disorder, no excuse can be tenable for the act
He urges victims like Grace and Irene to report their experiences as a first step to ending the repeated circle of violence
“You can only get help when you speak out. Even if all you need is a Protection Order as provided for by the VAPP Act, report so that help can be provided, it doesn’t always mean sending your partner to jail but a first step in getting yourself help”

For Victims like grace and Irene who represent many others that have escaped abusive relationships, they say Never again.

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NationalUpdate Woman

Peter Obi Commends Chidinma Adetshina for Her Remarkable Achievement at Miss Universe

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Former Nigerian presidential candidate, Peter Obi, has congratulated Chidinma Adetshina for her exceptional performance at the 2024 Miss Universe pageant, where she was crowned the first runner-up. In a heartfelt message posted on his X-Handle, Obi lauded Chidinma’s inspiring journey, calling it a powerful example of resilience, perseverance, and unwavering dedication.
Despite not claiming the Miss Universe crown, Chidinma’s accomplishment of finishing as the first runner-up among over 120 contestants from around the world, and securing the top spot for Africa, has been hailed as a tremendous achievement.
Obi highlighted that her success is a testament to her determination and a reflection of the unyielding spirit of Nigerian youth.
“Chidinma has overcome significant challenges along her journey, holding on to faith and hope even in the most difficult times,” Obi wrote. “Her determination to succeed against all odds is truly inspiring, and her story reminds us that no challenge is too great when we persevere.”
Obi expressed pride in Chidinma’s success, noting that while she may not have claimed the ultimate title, her accomplishment is a source of national pride. “Being first in Africa and second globally among so many contestants is a remarkable feat,” Obi stated. “Her achievement shows us that greatness is achievable, no matter the obstacles.”
The former Anambra state governor also emphasized the importance of Chidinma’s journey as a source of inspiration for young Nigerians, urging them to persevere in the face of adversity. “Her story is a symbol of hope and resilience for all of us, especially the youth. It serves as a reminder that success often lies just beyond the hardest challenges.”
In closing, Obi reiterated his commitment to supporting Nigeria’s youth, promising to continue working toward a “New Nigeria” where young Nigerians can realize their full potential. “The New Nigeria is POssible,” he concluded, pledging to ensure that the dreams of talented young people like Chidinma remain within reach.
Chidinma’s outstanding performance at the Miss Universe pageant has not only brought pride to Nigeria but has also made her a role model for young Nigerians striving to break barriers and achieve success on the global stage.

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Musawa Hails Chidinma Adetshina for remarkable achievement at Miss Universe

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The Minister of Art, Culture, Tourism, and the Creative Economy, Barrister Hannatu Musa Musawa, has sent a message of congratulations to Nigeria’s Chidinma Adetshina on her outstanding achievement as the first runner-up of the 2024 Miss Universe pageant, held at the Arena CDMX in Mexico City, Mexico, over the weekend.

Special Adviser on Media and Publicity, Dr. Nneka Ikem Anibeze, in a statement issued on Monday quoted Musawa to have described Chidinma’s remarkable feat as a testament to her dedication, resilience, and passion for excellence.
She noted that Adetshina’s accomplishment brings pride to Nigeria and serves as an inspiration for a generation of young women aspiring to greatness.

“Chidinma’s achievement is a shining example of the creative and innovative spirit that defines our nation. She stayed focused and resilient through her journey. We are proud to celebrate her success and tenacity, recognizing the impact she has made on the global stage.
“Her commitment to empowering women and girls through education and advocacy aligns with our ministry’s vision for a vibrant and inclusive creative economy.”

The Minister further commended Chidinma for her exceptional representation of Nigeria’s rich cultural heritage and values.
She emphasized that Chidinma’s achievement serves as a catalyst for promoting tourism, cultural exchange, and international cooperation.

“Chidinma is a shining star and a pride to Nigeria. Nigerians celebrate her success and acknowledge the impact she has had globally.”

Minister Musawa concluded by reaffirming the ministry’s commitment to supporting and empowering creative talents, particularly women, to excel in their fields.

As first runner-up, Chidinma was awarded a $100,000 cash prize, a one-year lease on a luxury apartment in New York, a $3 million diamond-encrusted crown, and valuable connections to launch a successful career in modeling and showbiz.

The 2024 Miss Universe pageant saw the participation of 125 contestants, with Denmark’s Victoria Kjær Theilvig ultimately winning the title.

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PENGASSAN Women Commission marks International Day of the Girl Child in FCT

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Yetunde Rufus-Adelakun presenting school bag to one of the girl's at the event

***Focuses on Social Media Influence challenges

The Petroleum and Natural Gas Senior Staff Association of Nigeria (PENGASSAN) Women Commission (PWC) celebrated the International Day of the Girl Child by addressing concerns over the negative influence of social media.

Held at Junior Secondary School, Karomanjigi, in Abuja, the celebration aimed to empower young girls and inspire them to pursue their dreams.

Though the International Day of the Girl Child took place on The 11th of October, 2024, the PWC northern region decided to celebrate it on the 30th of October, 2024.

The National Chairperson of the PWC, Comrade Engineer Mary-Anne Ada Mbanaso, who served as the event’s special guest of honor emphasized the commission’s commitment to the event, which is marked annually across all four zones: Warri, Port Harcourt, Lagos, and Kaduna. “Each zone celebrates this day to raise awareness and empower girls,” she stated, encouraging the girls to believe in themselves, know their rights under the Child Rights Act, and aspire to any career they choose.

Comrade Mbanasso also discussed the challenges young girls face, particularly due to social media as she urged parents to monitor their children’s online activities and apply parental controls, highlighting the importance of guidance and counseling in today’s technology-driven world. 

“Parents must pay close attention and instill strong values to prepare their children for the future,” she said.

In her inspiring message, Mbanasso shared her own journey, recalling her determination to become an engineer despite her father’s wish for her to study medicine. She encouraged the girls to pursue their passions, view challenges as opportunities, and communicate openly with their parents about their goals. “You are the future. Hard work pays off. Believe in your dreams, overcome obstacles, and stay focused,” she urged, emphasizing confidence and resilience.
The National Deputy Chairperson of Pengassan Women Commission who is also the Kaduna Zonal Chairperson, Comrade Yetunde Rufus-Adelakun aka Mama Yetty who organised the event reflected on this year’s theme, “The Future of the Girl Child,” emphasizing the importance of empowering young girls through education, particularly in fields like STEM—Science, Technology, Engineering, and Mathematics.

“This day is significant,” she said, “because it’s about investing in the future of young girls. We need to instill the value of education, making sure girls understand its importance. Through STEM, we are opening doors for them in fields that can shape their future and drive innovation.”

Mama Yetty acknowledged the growing concerns around social media and societal pressures that can influence young girls. She stressed the importance of community support, guidance, and positive reinforcement. “The NDLEA and other stakeholders are here to ensure children have the right knowledge about society today. We want our girls and boys to become champions, to stand tall in their goals, and not let negative influences sway them.”

Her message called on young girls to study hard, pursue their dreams, and become leaders who can spread the value of education to other girls, especially in rural areas.

Theme: Girls’ Vision for the Future – Catch Them Young’

The FCT TUCWC Chairperson,Comrade Sandra Nnenna Ogbonna, highlighted the necessity of collective support in nurturing empowered young girls. She pointed out the unique vulnerabilities that girls face and stressed the importance of instilling positive habits and values early on.

Comrade Ogbonna advocated for parental vigilance in the digital age, emphasizing that young girls are increasingly susceptible to the pitfalls of social media. She recommended practical limitations on device usage, encouraging parents to prioritize educational focus before granting access to technology. “Parents should proactively educate their children about the good and the harmful, guiding them toward positive choices,” she stated.
Ogbonna also emphasized the need for a community-driven approach to child-rearing, encouraging parents to be open to input from educators and caregivers. “No one person raises a child alone. Community feedback can significantly shape a child’s behavior and choices,” she remarked, calling for a revival of communal support in nurturing values.
She concluded with a call to action for parents to prioritize open communication within their households and communities to foster positive growth and development in young girls. “Listening to and valuing input from others is crucial for raising children with the right values,” she affirmed.
The event being part of PENGASSAN Women commission outreach in Kaduna Zone, aimed to inspire girls to dream big and recognize the importance of education and self-empowerment for success. 
The PWC donated Sanitary towels to firm support for the girls in the school for hygiene and ease of availability.
There were also health talks on Cancer of the breast, Child’s rights, Drug Abuse and gifts of educational materials as well as presents to the overall best students in each set in the GSS Karomanjiji school.
The National Drug Law Enforcement Agency (NDLEA) was on hand to also guide the children against the dangers in drug abuse and the negative consequences.
The International Federation of Women Lawyers was also represented to exposed the girls to the issues around their rights as well as the Girl Child Right.

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