IMPORTED WIVES: Inside the Hidden Struggles, Control, and Silent Battles of African Women Abroad

Written by Stacey Ukaobasi, Founder of the Forum for Child Rights Promotion.

Inside the hidden struggles, heartbreak, and awakening of African immigrant wives who seek love abroad but find control instead. The conversation is a factual presentation of what a lot of African girls married by men who live abroad and then move to live in their new homes that they merely know much about. It is not meant to scare anyone but this is just a warning note of what some ladies confront in their new homes abroad.

Across African diaspora communities, a quiet tragedy unfolds — a story of love, control, and survival.
They call them imported wives — women brought from their home countries to join men abroad, often in search of love, family, and stability.
But beneath the surface lies a painful reality of manipulation, emotional abuse, and, in the worst cases, deadly violence.

A Marriage Between Two Worlds

For many men who have lived abroad for years, marriage becomes less about affection and more about meeting cultural or family expectations. When pressure mounts from home, they return to marry — often through arrangements that prize obedience over compatibility.

She’s young, innocent, respectful, from a good home;
.she’ll make a good wife”
the families say.

That very innocence becomes the reason she is controlled. Once abroad, she is expected to remain submissive, grateful, unquestioning. The same relatives who found her feel entitled to her obedience, reminding her constantly that they found her. She loses her sense of belonging and struggles to prove herself to people who see her as beneath them.

Gratitude becomes a prison, not a virtue.
These women are expected to fit perfectly into homes where love is conditional, respect is one-sided, and silence is demanded.

Ngozi’s Story — A Good Wife Turned Invisible

Ngozi’s story reflects this all too well. Her husband, Chike, had lived in the U.K. for over a decade before returning home to marry. His sisters found Ngozi “avery good girl”Within months she joined him abroad.

Her dreams of love vanished quickly. Chike worked long hours, spoke little, and discouraged her ambitions.

Do nursing he insisted. “That’s how families survive here.

Ngozi obeyed, believing that was part of being a good wife. But soon her life revolved entirely around duty. The same family that once praised her began treating her as inferior, constantly reminding her of her loyalty to them.
She was no longer a wife — she was property.

Chioma’s Story — A Dream Turned Nightmare

Chioma came abroad only for a visit. She met a man who encouraged her to stay, promising love and a better life.
Back home she had stability, independence, peace. She gave it all up for love.

The man she trusted turned abusive — controlling her finances, humiliating her, making her feel worthless. The abuse became physical. Violent beatings left her with scars and broken bones that required surgery.

Undocumented and terrified, Chioma was trapped. Even with the injuries, she kept having children; he beat her up until her day of delivery.
Alone, isolated, hopeless in a foreign land, she finally left after the third pregnancy — but her body and spirit bore the permanent marks of betrayal.

Jane’s Story — When Love Turns Deadly

Jane thought she had found a man of faith. Her husband called himself a pastor and spoke softly about God, humility, and purpose.
He brought her to America with dreams of building a ministry together.

Instead, Jane became his worker, not his partner. He sent her to nursing school, controlled her income, dictated her every move. While she worked long shifts, he managed her money — and her life.

When Jane finally decided to leave — exhausted, hurt, ready to start anew — he became enraged.

“I made you who you are. You can’t survive without me.

She survived anyways after leaving him but his obsession didn’t end. He stalked her relentlessly. One day, in a fit of rage, he shot her in the head and then turned himself in.

Jane’s story became a chilling reminder of how quickly control turns to violence, and love to tragedy.

Emma’s Story — The Generational Narcissist

Here is Emma, a chronic narcissist who had no business being married. Yet, he managed to convince Angella — an immigrant who came abroad only for a visit to marry him. What began as a promise of love soon became a prison of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion.

Show me a narcissist, and I will show you a father who was one before him. Emma’s story didn’t begin with him — it began with a father consumed by money, control, and the illusion of power.

This was a man who saw women only as objects of service, boldly declaring in front of his son’s wife.

“Women are just for having babies — after that, they’re useless.
Shamelessly speaking unimaginable degrading things about his own wife that he’s been married to for decades to his son.

That moment revealed generations of twisted masculinity, passed down as tradition. This same father, who had abandoned his own wife in old age, came to live with his son and made it his mission to dominate the home.

He wanted to know everything about his son’s household and speaks I’ll about his own sons wife in public instead of protecting his sons home.He wanted to know how much Angella earned, what she spent on the children,even why she was listed on Emma’s health insurance. He saw her not as family, but as an obstacle to his control.

His obsession with power cost him any relationship with his daughter-in-law. He wanted Emma all to himself and even demanded that Angella sign an agreement to stay away from her husband. In his warped sense of authority, he told her that Emma would only be allowed to visit her and the children on Sundays — as if she were an outsider in her own marriage.

And yet, this same man expected Angella to serve him like a maid — to cook for him, cater to him, and treat him with respect.

How can you try to separate a woman from her husband, destroy her peace, and still expect her to serve you?
That is pure narcissism — control disguised as culture, manipulation wrapped in tradition.

His toxic influence shaped Emma into his perfect reflection: charming to outsiders, cruel at home, driven by ego and image rather than love and responsibility.

Angella was already struggling with his sons chronic narcissistic abuse and this made everything worse.

Emma surrounded himself with irresponsibility — men who lived in bars, men who glorified recklessness, ex-convicts with no vision. He spent his earnings on them and on the streets, trying to impress strangers, while his family suffered in silence.

When Angella lost a seven-month pregnancy that nearly took her life, Emma never showed up because he was busy on the streets when hospital begged for blood donations — he ignored his family and never showed up and his wife and kids didn’t even know his whereabouts. Yet that same month, he had all the time in the world to accompany his blind uncle to Nigeria.

For six long weeks, Angella fought for her life — in and out of the hospital — while still had to care for her children alone,get them ready for school,pay bills while on sick bed and also holding her home together.
She faced unimaginable pain — not just from physical loss, but from the cruel absence of a husband who chose the streets over his family.

Emma wanted the image of a husband, not the responsibility of one. He cared more about appearing like a “good man” than being one.

He tried to gather family pictures when the need arose-images he was never truly present to take — just to show off when it suited him. Every photo he shared was a performance, a false display of unity that existed only in his imagination. Behind every smiling picture was a woman broken by neglect and a home already abandoned.

Emma’s family know him well but pretend to called him a good man,none of them knew his wife’s tears or the pain he caused behind closed doors. His reputation mattered more than her life.

This was not love. It was cruelty dressed in charm, abandonment disguised as freedom — generational narcissism, passed from father to son, justified by culture and pride.

To the world, Emma is a husband.
To his wife and children, he is a stranger — a man who traded love for ego, fatherhood for barstools, and family for fleeting validation.

Angella’s suffering is not an isolated story. It represents countless women trapped in similar cycles — women who came abroad in search of a better life, only to find themselves silenced, burdened, and broken by men who never learned the true meaning of care.

Until men unlearn the idea that control equals love, and leadership means domination, families like Emma’s will continue to fall apart — leaving women like Angella to raise strength from their scars.

The Single Mothers — The Most Vulnerable

There’s another group of women often overlooked — single mothers who have fought through pain to rebuild their lives.

Many have endured betrayal, abandonment, or divorce. They save for years, work tirelessly, and finally relocate with their children for a better life. But when they arrive abroad, some”encounter men who see their resilience as weakness.

These men view single mothers as vulnerable — assuming they will accept anything for the sake of stability and their children. They manipulate them emotionally, knowing that many will endure anything just to keep peace and give their kids stability.

Family and friends sometimes add to the pain, saying things like:

“No man will marry a woman with children again.
“You should be grateful he accepted you.”
“At least you can now call yourself a married woman.
“He will change just Put him in prayer

Those words are cruel.
They reduce a woman’s worth to her marital status, erasing her strength and dignity. They make her feel indebted to a man who, in truth, may be destroying her spirit.

That was Ngozi’s reality in Canada. A single mother who worked hard to relocate with her children, she met a man who seemed kind — until his true colors showed.
He openly brought women to their home whenever she stepped out. He insulted and beat her regularly. He drank heavily, spent nights with girlfriends, and attacked Ngozi when she protested.

One brutal beating left her with a spinal injury she will never fully recover from.
He isolated her from friends and family, poisoning every connection she had. Whenever she dared to complain, he would twist the story to make others cut her off.
She was left with no one to talk to.
Ngozi’s world became silent. She battled depression and trauma — all while caring for her children.
Her story reflects the silent suffering of countless immigrant women trapped in abusive marriages but too afraid to speak out or leave.

Here comes CONTROL DISGUISED AS CARE:
Abuse in these relationships often hides under the mask of care.

“Don’t make too many friends”
“Stay home — people here will spoil you.”
“I’m only protecting you”

Behind those words lies fear and insecurity. These men isolate their wives, restrict their movements, and gaslight them into self-doubt.

Some go further — cheating openly and humiliating their wives in the process.
To justify their actions, they tell their girlfriends they were forced into marriage by their families or trapped in loveless relationships.

You can imagine how those girlfriends see the wives — as obstacles, as women who don’t deserve their husbands.
It’s a double humiliation: while the wife suffers silently at home, she’s also ridiculed by those who believe his lies.

In reality, these men play victims to the world while being oppressors in their homes — a cruel form of psychological abuse that destroys the very core of a woman’s being.

Ironically, many of these same men later claim that “African women abroad are not loyal”like OGA WHY ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A SLAVE?

what they seek is not loyalty — it’s slavery. They avoid women already abroad because those women have independence and confidence. Instead, they go back home to find wives they can mold into obedience.

Control is not love.
Submission is not respect.
True loyalty grows from mutual trust — not fear.

A Message to African Men

Dear African men,
If you do not love a woman, do not marry her.
Do not bring her abroad to make her your caregiver, your worker, or your financial solution.
Do not turn marriage into a project or an act of charity.

Marriage is not meant to enslave a woman or silence her dreams.
If your goal is control, not companionship, please — do not marry.

Because no matter how long it takes, the woman you try to suppress will one day find her strength and walk away.
And you will be left lonely, searching again for the peace you destroyed.

Every woman deserves love — not survival.

A Message to Every Woman Reading This

To every woman who has loved and lost herself in the process — you are not alone.
To every woman rebuilding her life after pain — your courage is your power.
To every woman silenced by fear — your voice still matters.

You are not defined by who hurt you.
You are defined by how you rise after being broken.
And you deserve love that brings peace,not pain.

THE HIDDEN VICTIMS-The Children Who Watch in Silence

When a home becomes a battlefield, it is not only the husband and wife who bleed — the children do too.
They may not have scars on their skin, but their hearts carry wounds that if care is not taken may last a lifetime.

A broken home is better than broken children.
Staying for the sake of the kids only teaches them that pain is normal.

They grow up believing love equals pain.
Boys learn control,girls learn endurance.
That is how abuse becomes generational.

Children who witness emotional abuse lose their childhood to survival. They grow up insecure, mistrusting, and unsure what healthy love looks like. Many become caretakers too young, comforting a crying mother, managing tension, cleaning up after chaos.
Some fathers even turn children against their mothers, weaponizing fatherhood.
A father should be a protector not a source of fear because when he becomes a source of fear, he destroys the sacred bond of safety.

A BROKEN HOME IS NOT FAILURE
IT IS FREEDOM.

A broken home is better than broken children.
Women, you are not selfish for choosing peace ,you are saving generations.
Choosing to walk away from abuse is not failure. It is courage.
It is the decision to break the chain before it breaks your children.

Healing begins when a woman realizes she is not responsible for a man’s demons.
She cannot heal him by shrinking herself.
She cannot fix a family by destroying her own soul.

How to Stop the Cycle

1. Teach Men Emotional Responsibility.
Boys must learn that leadership is not domination and strength is not control.
2. Empower Women.
Immigrant women must know their rights and have access to community support and education that fosters confidence.
3. Protect the Children.
Schools, churches, and community groups must recognize and intervene early. Therapy and counseling can heal trauma before it hardens.
4. Redefine Culture.
Culture should protect, not destroy. No culture should justify abuse.

TO EVERY FATHER — your children are watching. They will either become you or spend a lifetime healing from you.
To every mother — your strength is not in silence. When you choose peace, you teach peace.
To every community,stop looking away. Support those in pain and educate the next generation that love is not control.

IN CONCLUSION
Imported wives are not statistics,they are women with dreams, dignity, and destiny.
They are the backbone of many homes, raising children far from their roots and building strength from sorrow.

But strength should not be born from suffering.
It’s time to protect them, protect their children, and break the generational cycle — one story, one home and one truth at a time.
ONE POINT REMAINS REMARKABLE: IF THE KIDS ARE NOT SAFE THERE WILL BE NO FUTURE.

*Ms. Stacey Ukaobasi is the USA based human rights activist and writer.