By Stacey Ukaobasi
There is a dangerous combination destroying families from the inside: narcissism fueled by addiction. On their own, each one is destructive. But when they meet in one person, the result is a silent war that breaks homes, destroys confidence, damages children, and drains the life out of anyone tied to them.
Narcissists do not care who they hurt as long as they get validation from outsiders. They are masters of image.
To the world, they are saints ,kind, generous, supportive, charming.
At home, behind closed doors, they become something else entirely.cold, cruel, dismissive, manipulative, abusive, and emotionally monstrous.
They can give an outsider their last breath just to be praised. They can cry on command, cook up stories, and twist reality to fool their followers. To the public, they are victims. To their families, they are tormentors.
They do not want anyone close to them to succeed. Your success threatens them. They only feel comfortable around people they consider beneath them. They spend their earnings buying validation drinks, gifts, reckless spending while their family suffers. The moment salary enters their hands, they disappear to the streets. Home only matters when their pockets run dry and they need a base to recharge before their next cycle of destruction.
They lie endlessly,stupid lies, unnecessary lies, shameless lies. They miss very important family events, birthdays, milestones, every single family event and responsibilities nomatter how important they are. They will promise to come, give you hope, make you cancel backup plans, then switch off their phone for days. No explanations. No apologies. No accountability. Your pain just does not register at all. They keep their families waiting while they are chilling somewhere drinking and jumping around unbothered.
They lack empathy of any kind. You can be sick, struggling, drowning they will watch from afar until you drag yourself out alone. They isolate when their loved ones are suffering. They disappear and return only when things are calm again. A narcissist can watch you attempt suicide and not lift a finger instead, they record it with their phone not to save you, but to protect themselves.
They are mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive. When you don’t report their abuse, it empowers them. Something in their mind tells them they are right. They twist every story, manipulate everyone around them, and always position themselves as the innocent one. They defend outsiders over their own family because validation from strangers is more important to them than loyalty to those who see their true face.
Their lack of empathy makes their behavior feel inhuman. It goes beyond personality flaws it feels darker than anything you can explain with normal language. Their actions are spiritually empty, morally cold, and emotionally dead. There is no remorse, no conscience, no recognition of the damage they cause. What they do is the product of brokenness, addiction, pride, and deep spiritual blindness. It’s like dealing with someone whose soul has shut down, whose heart no longer responds to love, pain, or responsibility.
There is something inside their brain a twisted sense of entitlement that tells them they are always right. No matter what they do, no matter how wrong, how violent, how cruel, or how destructive, their mind convinces them that they are the victim. They justify every abuse. They excuse every attack. They rewrite every story to make themselves look innocent.
To them, you are the problem.
Your pain is irrelevant.
Your suffering is invisible.
Your voice is noise they want to silence.
They are always in debt. No business with them ends well. Their greed and recklessness destroy partnerships. No matter how much money they earn, it vanishes quickly on alcohol, on women, on the people they seek validation from, never on their responsibilities. They are habitual debtors who leave destruction wherever they go.
Inside their head is constant chaos. They don’t listen, they don’t reason, they don’t compromise. They only hear themselves. For outsiders, they become excellent listeners and problem solvers. But for their loved ones, they shut down completely. 9 is their 6 they create arguments because arguments are their oxygen. They never tire, never give up, never admit wrong. They twist every word you say and turn every detail of your life even from before you were even born into a weapon.
They keep multiple women outside the marriage to punish their wives into submission.They do not love their children,they use their own children as tools, dumping responsibilities that should be shared. They have no emotional connection with their kids,the children simply become collateral damage in their ongoing war for control.
Their public image is spotless. They hug you in front of people, act like they love and respect you, but once the door closes, the mask drops, and the real mask emerges.
What they do is the product of brokenness, addiction, pride, and deep spiritual blindness.
Your tears or pain cannot change a narcissist. Marriage does not soften them. Children do not mature them. Prayers cannot break their behavior. They can only change if they themselves choose to. They learn only the hard way through consequences, loss, or public embarrassment. Real change begins only when they accept their mistakes and genuinely commit to long-term therapy.
The only hope is in THEM admitting that their behavior is abusive, taking responsibility without excuses, their loved ones refusing to tolerate or cover for them, and the narcissist willingly choosing to do the inner work.
Some of them are not evil,they are wounded people with deeply broken identities. But even then, healing must be THEIR decision and not your sacrifice.
STACEY UKAOBASI is the founder of the FORUM FOR CHILD RIGHTS PROMOTION and is a Nigerian activist based in the United States of America.